Reflections on _Two Gentlemen of Verona_

I took in a performance of _Two Gentlemen of Verona_ last night. It was the first time I'd ever been exposed to this particular play.

The play sucks. And when I say it sucks, I mean that the characters are inconsistent and a-psychological, the action is unfocused, and the language is dull. The lines are nearly bereft of those intricate metaphors, rhythms, and clever inversions that so characterize the Bard's better efforts. I'd say it ain't Shakespeare...but, well, it is. As a contrast to his mature works and as proof how of genius is not so much born as it is arrived at through effort and practice, _Two Gentlemen of Verona_ can be interesting. In itself, it's pretty much a piece of shit. The funniest character in the whole thing is the god-damned *dog*.

Here's how the climax of the play goes down (Spoiler alert: if you're concerned about spoilers for a play that is 400 years old, you're a moron).

Guy A: Oh Girl A, stop running through this forest in search of Guy B, who was my best friend and your fiancee until I betrayed him for love of you even though I was already in a relationship with Girl B, who is nothing to me now! Stop everything you're doing and fall in love with me, even though you have absolutely no reason whatsoever to do so!

Girl A: Piss off!

Guy A: Ah, fuck it! Get ready for rape!

Guy B: I, Guy B, who was beset by bandits in this very forest and who has become their king and who was given all of their treasure on account of my rather trivial ability to speak at least one language other than Italian, will conveniently appear at just this moment to prevent the raping!

Guy A: Oh! Even though I was just about to rape the woman you love, and even though you were exiled on account of my maligning you to the Duke, let's be friends again!

Guy B: Okay!

Guy A: Here, you can have Girl A! I don't care about her anymore!

Guy B: Okay!

Girl A: I have nothing to say about any of this!

Girl B: Oh Guy A, I have been watching you all this time as you tried to rape Girl A! I dressed in drag so you wouldn't recognize me, and you didn't recognize me, even when you sent me to Girl A to give her the ring that I had originally given to you as a symbol of our love! But now look! I reveal my long hair, which means I also have a vagina! You should love me now!

Guy A: You're right! The failure of my raping has made me realize that I actually loved you all along!

Girl B: Hooray!

The Duke: Oh, I am captured by bandits! But I instantly forgive everybody who threatened my life, tried to kidnap or rape my daughter, or manipulated me! Now let's go party!

All: Yay!

This shit is pretty terrible. This Shakespeare guy might have some potential, though. Maybe.