How To Stop Staring At Girl's Boobs

Today, through the vagaries of the Internet, I happened upon the wikiHow article for "How to Stop Staring at a Girl's Boobs" (http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Staring-at-a-Girl%27s-Boobs). Oh, wikiHow, where were you when I was going through puberty? Or when I was...twenty-nine, which is my age at the time of this writing? Ahem. The article brought back memories of that time in my life when indeed it seemed that there was absolutely nothing to do other than stare at boobs...which, of course, is before I discovered that there were many other parts of a woman's body worth staring at. So, in the wiki spirit (it is, after all, the manual I can edit!), I here suggest a few additions and editions for the wikiHow page on boob-staring. From here on out, the text in brackets will be mine, to differentiate it from the original text.

Have you ever been in class or perhaps at a party and out of the corner of your eye you notice a beautiful girl with large boobs? [Or a plain girl with large boobs? Or an unattractive girl with large boobs? Or a beautiful girl with medium boobs? Or a plain girl with medium boobs? Or an unattractive girl with medium boobs? Or a beautiful girl with small boobs? Etc.] You gather up your courage to go talk to her, but you can't keep your eyes off her boobs? [Yes! Oh. That is a rhetorical question. I'm not supposed to answer it.] Here are some steps to help you in that and other similar situations.

1. Make eye contact with her when you talk to her. It's polite, and most likely her face will have some attractive feature. [If you don't understand this last assertion, then you clearly haven't been watching enough hardcore pornography, and if you haven't been watching enough hardcore pornography, then I doubt your credentials as an overly hormonal teenage boy. This article is targeted at teenage boys, right? Protip: I know fuck-all about the sexual development and desires of teenage lesbians, and the less I contemplate this particular subject, the better for you and me and the statutes of the great state of California, so I had best stop now.]

2. You can also talk about her shoes, earrings, and so forth, but not too much or she might think you're interested in something you really aren't. [Pretending to care about things that women are interested in but not really caring about those things is a great way to get near some boobs without drawing attention to the fact that you only care about getting near some boobs. Once you've mastered this skill the the point where you can pretend to care about a girl's thoughts and feelings, you will probably get to touch some boobs.]

3. Talk to her about anything: movies, school, current events, anything that at least partially distracts you from her breasts. [Yes. TALKING ABOUT ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING OTHER THAN HER BREASTS IS GENIUS ADVICE FOR TAKING YOUR ATTENTION AWAY FROM HER BREASTS. Unless the absolutely anything you're talking about is less interesting than her breasts, and if you're a fifteen year old boy there is probably nothing in the world that is more interesting to you than her breasts, and you find your attention straying back to her breasts anyway.]

4. You might get an erection from looking too long at her breasts. So don't stare. Look at her face. Look deep into her eyes. This doesn't mean look at another girl's breasts. [It doesn't? Oh shit, there goes my gameplan! I mean, of course. Stare into her eyes so her boobs don't give you a boner. That should be obvious. It's not like you can feel the gravity of your boobs pulling your little fireman up and your eyes down and your hands in closer, can you? It's not like her boobs have become the center of your attention, of your very universe, have they? Of course not! Of course not. No, stare into her eyes. Deep into her eyes. The eyes are the window to the soul, the gateway to the mind, and one of the most erotic parts of the body. Her beautiful eyes...redirecting all that libidinal energy towards this new body part can't have any possible side effec--ah, shit, now you've developed an eye fetish! You Japanese person, you! You're getting an erection from staring into her eyes, aren't you? Well, maybe there's another wikiHow page that can help you out with that, I don't know.]

5. If you are sure she isn't looking, take a quick glance at her breasts to relieve yourself, but don't forget to look away, as they can be hypnotic. [This gem of wisdom is perfect as it is; I have nothing to add to it.]

6. Don't daydream about girl's breasts, especially if you are in class. The teacher may call you out on it and jar you with a question, if you look spaced-out and have that silly smile on your face. [Because, as we all know, the best way to not think about something is to tell yourself not to think about it! Like if I tell you the last thing in the world you'd ever want to think about is the Candiru fish, which is an inch-long fish with sharp backwards-pointing spines on its back that lives in Amazonian rivers and is attracted to the compounds in urine such that it will swim up into peoples' genitals while they are peeing and so become lodged in their urinal tracts before dying of asphyxia and flexing its spines in reflex, causing unthinkable pain and forcing somebody in a nearby village to perform impromptu genital surgery with a hunting knife, THERE'S NO WAY you would think about a fish swimming up into your penis, dying and rotting and stabbing your penis with bony spines from the inside until you cut it out with a huge knife! And this thinking aversion technique works BEST when it comes to SEX, trust me! Alternately, you can try to think of horrific things to derail your sex drive. Think about your parents or siblings dying screaming in a fire, or think about how those boobs will, in the fullness of time, putrefact to black sacs of rot, shot through with maggots and carrion-eating beetles. There's NO WAY that distracting yourself in this way could be harmful to your your psyche AT ALL. If all else fails and your teacher does call on you while you have a silly smile on your face, you could always pretend as though you were happily contemplating the subject matter of the class. But she probably wouldn't believe you, because as you and I and your teacher all know, learning is for nerds.]

Tips

Make a vow to only stare at them a few minutes a day, and then lower the number of minutes each day until you reach an equilibrium quotient. [I think this tip is suggesting that if you learn what things like "equilibrium quotient" means, your brain will grow at the expense of your balls and you'll somehow sap your sex drive. Protip: IT WON'T FUCKING WORK. Translated into normal human speech, this could also suggest that you ration your boobage staring and decrease the amount each day. Because staring at boobs and timing yourself and taking careful mental notes about the boob staring and trying to be economic with your boob staring such that you reserve your quota for staring at the *best* boobs and not just any old boobs is surely a step in the right direction from willy-nilly boob-staring. And, just like trying to not think about boobs is the best way to not think about boobs, rationing your boob-staring is surely the best way to ensure there's no way you'll ever slip outside of the brittle, artificial, and arbitrary limitations that your higher cognitive processes have imposed upon overwhelming instinct.]

When outdoors, wear sunglasses, so she will not be able to see where your eyes are looking. [Actually, that's some pretty good advice right there. It's half the reason why you'll never see me outdoors without sunglasses. The other half: hangovers.]

The more you treat her respectfully, you increase your chances that she will show you her entire boobs [Sic?] in an appropriate place. This is what dreams are made of. [It is? Well, prepare to be shocked: GIRLS DON'T HAVE PENISES, THEY HAVE VAGINAS INSTEAD! Now you can stop dreaming about boobs.]

Get to know the girl in question, if you would like to become her boyfriend. That way you could see her boobs more often. [Again, we repeat the advice that the only reason for ever having any contact with a woman is for the purpose of seeing boobs, and you should engineer all of your social interactions with such in mind. I know it's totally non-intuitive to think that if you spend more time around a woman such as by becoming her boyfriend, you will have more opportunities to see her boobs, but believe me, it's actually true! You should totally base your boyfriendidness upon whose boobs you like to look at the most! Protip: You don't have to be a boyfriend to stare at boobs? Have you ever heard of this thing called "The Internet?" Fully half of it is dedicated to images of boobs. Really! Try a Google image search for "boobs" right now and see what happens! You'll be surprised. ProProTip: Your ability to see a particular pair of boobs is inversely proportional to your desire to see a particular pair of boobs. The more you see your girlfriend's boobs, the more you'll wish you could see more boobs and different boobs! But you can't! Hah hah. You got monogamied, bitch.]

Warnings

Don't look off into space while talking to her if you are that afraid of looking at her boobs. Try to practice looking them in their eyes while talking to them. Then before you know it you'll be fine. [Protip: Warning: The guy who wrote this piece of advice was an idiot. Don't listen to him. In all honesty, staring off into space is the best alternative to staring at boobs if for whatever reason you feel you can't stare at boobs at the present time. I'm an adult, and I still do this every damn day. No amount of "practice" ever enables you to stop staring at boobs. You might even be able to stop visualizing her boobs in your head while you stare away into space; if so, you will be promoted from padawan to Jedi Master.]

If you find it hard to look at her eyes stare at the space between them.
[Jesus, now you have a bridge-of-the-nose fetish. Luckily for you, there's a 104% chance that there's already hentai that speaks to that need.]

I round out the article with a few select portions of my own sage advice that should have been included in the tips section, but for whatever reason were not.

--Don't be a fifteen year old boy.
--Don't hang around girls like the one featured in the picture at the top of this article, the one wearing a super-low-cut blouse, who is clearly *asking* you to look at her boobs by means of her wardrobe choices. So if you are around such girls and can't stop looking at their boobs, you probably shouldn't feel all that bad about it. Nevertheless, many of these women will all but shove their boobs in your face and then try to make you feel guilty if you stare at them, because a significant percentage of women quite honestly have no fucking clue as to how to be honest, fair, and non-contradictory in their assertions. They are as screwed up and as confused and as ashamed as you! No matter how good the boobs on such women might be, I assure you, the boobs are not worth it.
--Pray (Protip: IT WON'T FUCKING WORK)
--Be Gay. (Then you can stare at pecs!)
--Masturbate already. Get it out of your system.
--Stop masturbating. You're only making it worse.
--Accept that there's really very little you can do to control your sex drive at this point in your life. Be glad if staring at girl's boobs is your WORST problem when it comes to sex. Be thankful, actually, if you don't have the opportunity to fuck up in ways that make getting caught staring at boobs seem absolutely and utterly trivial, which it pretty much is.
--Wait about seven or eight years for your sex drive to cool down from "overwhelming" to "mostly overwhelming."
--Accept that the intense shame you feel now will largely be forgotten in ten years' time.
--Wait twenty years, until you're about thirty-five. Many thirty-five year old women will be happy if you stare at their boobs, especially if you compare their boobs to those of a teenager.
--Learn to appreciate the curve of a shoulder, the graceful architecture of a neck, the gentle swell of a hip from a tapered waist, a slender arm, or all the other thousands of things erotic about a woman. You're so hung up on staring at boobs--have you even thought about staring at asses instead?

And most of all:

--Accept that your desire to stare at boobs is absolutely natural. It doesn't actually get much more natural than that. It's nothing to be ashamed of, though I can understand why you'd want to control it just the same, but you should definitely be accepting of any failures in this regard. And believe me when I say that, sooner or later, you're pretty much guaranteed to find a girl who will want you to pay attention to her boobs. Crazy, I know, but it's true. It might not be the first girl whose boobs you stare at, or the ten-thousandth, but it will very probably come in the fullness time.

Unless, of course, too much boob-staring turns you into a crazy psycho killer in the meantime!